Regulation Requires Connection

Language around self-regulation and co-regulation has been popping up all around me this week, both in my personal and professional life, so I find myself at my computer on Saturday morning googling the term (yes, we are on lower case terms now that you’ve become a verb, Google).

And amongst all the things that Google says it is this that grabs my attention: Regulation Requires Connection. To me, that means I can’t positively affect another person’s state without first connecting to them in some way.  It follows that when we do connect to others, they are affected by our state, for better or for worse.

Google also says, ‘co-regulation is the foundation of emotional health and self-regulation’. Ideally one or both parents' model self-regulation in our childhood (for example, remaining calm in a crisis, not becoming hysterical themselves when we are having a tantrum, etc.) Through observing this (ideally) beloved parent’s self-regulation of their own emotions, we gradually learn to self-regulate our emotional states and eventually reach that fabled place: maturity.

And now we are grown-up adults, what happens? Consciously or otherwise, we continue to co-regulate all day long; in meetings, over dinner, when teaching, when managing others, in arguments, in conversation with friends, and when coaching.  In relationships, at home and at work, we often co-regulate by setting the tone for a conversation, for example by commencing with praise or with criticism.

It’s the co-regulation we learn to do as coaches that most interests me, especially in my day-to-day work. In coach education, brand-new coaches often ask something like ‘How will I indicate that I’m listening and interested in my clients without saying too much (and thereby taking up too much airtime)?’ It’s a good question. When we start out, we feel there must be a trick to this, or a technique, but what we are actually learning to do as coaches is to connect to the other and simply hold the space for our client to do some uninterrupted thinking (while we continue to hold them accountable to dig deep).

As we do this, we are practising co-regulation with the client. They may be very excited or in tears, yet we remain steady and calm. Yes, we may laugh with them; we may even cry with them sometimes. However, 98% of the time we are simply being with them: listening, holding the space for them to process the feeling, the emotion, or the thinking.  And yes, often new coaches will ask ‘But how do I hold the space?’ and the answer is ‘You just do…through listening carefully and non-judgmentally, and asking short, clear questions that help them to learn about themselves’.  This posture of open and empathetic listening – without interruptions, without offering ‘me toos’ or giving advice, without suggestions or opinions – allows a space for your client to breathe, to reflect, to think out loud, to notice, to gain insight and new thinking. It’s what makes coaching so powerful; when our coaching clients are provided with this space to reflect there can be profound change as a result.

Happily, AI ‘coach bots’ don’t do this holding of space thing very well yet (they tend to want to jump into solution mode too soon and can be eternally and annoyingly over-optimistic about everything), so human beings are still very useful and impactful as coaches. For now.

I’m noticing how I co-regulate in conversations with others, at home and at work. Especially in 2026’s “year of the fire hose” (my term for the non-stop energy of this new Lunar year of the Fire Horse), it can be helpful just to bring some calm and quiet presence into the many heated conversations of each day. Maybe you could notice how you co-regulate with others today and, if it’s feeling difficult, perhaps experiment with strengthening your connection further first. It’s something I’m watching in my own life and I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.

Mandy Geddes PCC, PIECL | Head of Coach Education | Institute of Executive Coaching and Leadership (IECL)